The strength in faith and hope

June 26-the day that I really had to let go.

Earlier in the year I develop major problems in my neck. I learned, in March, that the curvature in my neck was gone, I have degenerative discs, a torn disc, and mild to moderate spinal stenosis. Although I had to make a number of modifications to work and personal life, most people weren’t aware of the intensity of the struggle.

In late March, something happened to my lower back. I was no longer just dealing with chronic pain in my lower body, but there was an additional weakness and numbness in my back and legs. I found out in June and July that I have developed arthritis in some of my joints in my spine, and I have developed a number of complications from my surgery 10 years ago.

June 26 I had to let go. I had to let go of the fear of applying for long-term, and possibly Social Security, Disability. I had to let go of my current reality of independence. I’ve had to let go of my humility as I have to show ‘the world’ that I’m struggling.

June 26, I had to ask for some time off work. I know that it was easy for people to see the pain from my lower back, but I was struggling too much with office work and not being able to use my hands and arms the way I needed. I have applied for, and waiting an answer from the disability group, and then will have to deal with the reality that comes next.

I had to get out of the boat and put complete trust in a loving God to take care of all of these things.

There are so many uncertainties and questions. I do feel very blessed that I have my faith and hope to help me take each step. But, there are days I begin to drown in my fears and worries. 

That is when I’m especially grateful for my Sunday obligation, habits of prayer, and loving support that is my buoy. 

TRINITY SUNDAY: BLESSED WITH LOVING RELATIONSHIPS

Relationships, love, sacrifice

This weekend we celebrated both Memorial Day and Trinity Sunday. During Mass, the priest reminded us that God is a relationship. A Trinitarian relationship. Of complete love. And that love is so massive that it pours outward. It is a creating love. Through this love, all things were created. It is a sacrificial love. Through this love, we all have the ability to live in eternal unity, relationship, with God. It is a powerful, forceful, energizing love. Through this love, we are able to be in relationship with others, to care for other people and things, and to desire to sacrifice for others.



'Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary.'—St. Teresa of Calcutta


I really am very blessed. Growing up I was blinded to the amount of love and support I received from my family and friends. I feel like I am still unwrapping all of the amazing blessings I received.
But, I am not sure if I would really understand how much I had growing up, and still have, without the love of my close friends now. My best friends really are an unexplainable blessing to me. None of this is to discount the unfathomable amount of things my parents, and family, has done and the intense blessings I have been given through them…but it has helped me to recognize it more.

Let me explain.

Wanting to “be independent” my friends have spent the last 10 years making multiple sacrifices for me. Allowing me to live with them, helping me dress, visiting me in the hospital, helping me clean my house, helping me move, listening to me, helping me through situations, allowing me to be me, encouraging me to be me especially when I don’t want to, teaching me to not stress things too much, helping me enjoy life, and just all around teaching me the true meaning of love. There are countless things I have learned from my best friends, and the children of the ones that have children, but I hope and pray that they know just how much I appreciate them and hope that I am even ½ as great of a friend to them as they are to me.

Through these friends I’ve been able to become friends with a number of other people. Families, priests, young adults. It has been so amazing getting to witness the love these people have for one another, for me, and how much joy they bring to my life. It has been a great gift to surround myself with amazing people that are willing to open up their heart to me as well, and allow me to be a witness to them as they are to me. But, it also makes me very happy getting to see my best friends developing amazing relationships with others. It is so beautiful to see Christian friendships blossom.

Growing up, and often still today, I took for granted all of the sacrifices my parents have made for us. From the physical, financial, emotional, and social…my parents listened to their vocation and allowed countless lives to be touched. They have never walked away from any of us. It reminds me of a quote of St. Maria Goretti on the love of God: “He loves, He hopes, He waits. Our Lord prefers to wait Himself for the sinner for years rather than keep us waiting an instant.” My parents’ love is a great reflection on the love of God.

When my parents are presented with an opportunity to support us, they seem to jump on it so fast it is like they already had it planned. Even with their grand kids, and even though they are getting more exhausted in general, they sacrifice so much. They have given us a model on how to find and choose joy no matter what. And, they have given us a model on how to sacrifice for others. Seeing these attributes in my friends and myself, I have been able to see how they have always been part of my life.

The example of my parents, I believe, is what led me to offer myself to God when I was younger as an offering for others that suffer. It is their sacrifice, and support they give to their children to love others, that continues to help me to offer myself for the suffering of others.


'If you really want to love Jesus, first learn to suffer, because suffering teaches you to love.'—St. Gemma Galgani


It is the joy of my family and friends that help me to choose joy, deep down true joy. To be a faithful witness of the love God. To find ways to be supportive of my family and friends through their struggles, and to try to be a witness to my nieces, nephews, and the children of my friends on how to grow in Christian holiness. I have countless stories of how the relationships I've been blessed with, from my family, friends, coworkers, students, and strangers have shaped and helped me to become who I am.

There are so many times I find it hard to accept the life and vocation I am currently called to. But, God has given me people throughout my life to encourage me to grow closer to Him, and closer to others, so that I can give thanks in all circumstances.

It is hard, but it is worth it.

'If I should become sick and unable to work, then I shall be like the Lord on the cross. He will have mercy on me and help me, I am sure.'—St. Kateri Tekakwitha

I have been blessed with beautiful relationships, but the greatest relationship I have is with my Lord and God. The relationships I have with my family and friends are tiny compared to the love God has for me and the desire he has to spend eternity with me. Through His creative, powerful, sacrificial love, He allows me to love myself and others and find ways to share His love with the world. 

I really am very blessed.

Vulnerability is tough

This weekend at Mass we will hear the story of the Transfiguration, when Jesus takes Peter, James, and John to the top of the mountain and those three see Jesus transfigured before them. Then a voice from Heaven says, ‘this is my beloved Son. Listen to Him.’

There are so many things that we can learn in the Transfiguration. But, as I was reading and meditating on this passage I just kept thinking about how Jesus allowed those 3 to witness this event. He chose these 3 for some reason, and although they seemed confused about what was going on, he wanted them to develop a deeper and more clear view of who Jesus is. 

It made me think about the times that I have had to open myself up to others and share who I am with them. To become vulnerable to others, at different degrees of closeness, has become important for me to see the joy and hope that comes with letting others develop a more clear view of who I am.


Being vulnerable is difficult. Not just being vulnerable with others, but to be vulnerable to yourself and God. I have learned that being vulnerable allows me and countless others to grow in hope, and to build the community.

In October of 2007 I woke up thinking it was going to be another day in the classroom. As I was standing up, my back gave out and I fell to the ground. 45 minutes later I was finally standing and got dressed for work. I went to work thinking I was going to deal with the excruciating pain because I didn’t want to allow anyone to feel sorry for me. That lasted about an hour until I couldn’t handle it any longer.

Within a few months I began using a cane just so I could walk. It was so humiliating. However, it was harder to be vulnerable and share my heart with others and to allow others to serve and love me. I remember 2 very special moments. 

First, a student came to school with 2 dishes of food for me. He took time that evening to go shopping and to make the dish. This is was not a student that enjoyed my class, and struggled a lot with not arguing with everything I said. But, I remember him thanking me for being open and acknowledging that things like cooking was difficult. He appreciated knowing there was a way that he could show me how much he appreciated me teaching the faith and to be willing to show how it can be lived out in life. My students told me that they are always shown that being vulnerable and sharing a struggle is a weakness, and it is very bad to let others serve you. They felt they were told to serve others but not to ever let others serve them.

The other time happened at Mass. I was sitting at the end of the pew so that I wouldn’t have to walk very far for communion. The Church I went to had many Eucharistic ministers that were in high school. As they were moving to their space, one student started walking toward me. He knew that it was quite difficult to walk, so he took the initiative to approach me and allow me to receive communion without moving. It was one of the most powerful moments for me. I was blown away by his willingness to recognize that I was in the area and that I would appreciate it. But, it was also so embarrassing the first time. I had managed to get to church early enough that I could hide the cane so that people around me couldn’t tell immediately that something was wrong. But, he did something uncommon. He walked past his “spot” which caused many people in the congregation to draw attention to him. He stood there with a smile on his face knowing that he was surprising me with his kindness which caused me to burst into tears…drawing even more attention to me. It forced me into a situation where I had to be vulnerable even to strangers. I had to let people know that I was hurting.

These 2 experiences, along with countless others, opened me up to know myself more. It became even more clear that I don’t want any attention drawn to me. I can’t stand it. But, I have to learn to let attention to be paid to me. I also saw in a beautiful way how humbling it is to have to ask for help and to let others help me. It really opened me up to see the beauty in allowing others to serve me and help me.

Those things have been very important to me over the years. And, in the process I have been given creative ways to love others in return and to learn that I am beloved regardless of what I can do.

As the years have passed, being vulnerable is still hard but I have grown to appreciate the strength I have been given to be willing to be vulnerable. To acknowledge that I’m in chronic pain at every moment of every day. The allow people into the inner self of April and share the emotional struggles that are part of everyone’s lives.

My friendships and family relationships have grown significantly. I have developed some very important and deep friendships, and I’m blessed to have been given that opportunity. I have learned so much about my best friends and their love for me, as well as their appreciation of me and the need they have for me to be a person of support to them.

I am legitimately blown away by how much I can count on my best friends.

I’ve also developed a huge understanding and respect for all that my parents have done and continue to do. They are the most sacrificial people I know. And, my siblings have clearly learned that and show that by their love of me but also how much that LOVE and sacrifice for their families.


Vulnerability is hard! 

It means that someone can use that information to hurt you. You have to learn to trust others. You have to be willing to offer information that can be used against you. You have to learn that you are human.

Vulnerability is also beautiful!

It allows you to be you and to let others know you! It allows you to find a deeper level of peace and joy! It allows others to show you hope! It allows you to be a stronger part of communities.

LENT AS A GUIDING PRINCIPLE OF MY LIFE

If a liturgical season could be my spirit animal, I think it would be Lent. I have really grown to develop a great love for this season. I think because it offers me time to reflect on how my life is to be a gift of love to the Lord. 

When I was young, I asked God to allow me to suffer at times to specifically help others in their pain. I was not ready for God to listen to my request, and I've continued to ask throughout my life...each time being blown away that God answers.

It is SOOOO hard to suffer, but when you believe and hope that your suffering will bring relief and redemption for others, the suffering becomes SWEET, INVIGORATING, and INVITING! That doesn't mean I suffer gracefully, beautifully, or patiently...but I have been graced often to see in a literal and powerful way how my suffering has given someone another chance at life. I've learned that desiring and being willing to do something looks very different than truly understanding its affect on your life and future...and man is there a lot of fear and insecurity when it comes to the heart and the future.

The reason I think Lent is my spirit animal is because although I welcome the suffering, I find that my patience and strength ends quickly and that's when temptation sets in. It is when I allow God to speak truth into my heart that I can fight those obstacles. And, it is the practice of Lent that has helped me to be joyful amidst suffering and to be open to sharing my suffering with others. This has given me countless opportunities to learn new and more wonderful things about my family, my friends, myself, and my God!

I may be wrong, but I believe Lent always begins with a Gospel reading in which Jesus says:

"When you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites. They neglect their appearance, so that they may appear to others to be fasting. Amen, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, so that you may not appear to be fasting, except to your Father who is hidden. And your Father who sees what is hidden will repay you."--Matthew 6:16-18

We must be people of Joy! We must be people who can live lives of praise and thanksgiving. St. Paul reminds us that we are ambassadors of God. Therefore we need to be a true witness as to what it means to fast and do penance, to love and make sacrifices, to live in a Christian community, to follow the Will of God.

This past Sunday in the Gospel of Mark we read:

The Spirit drove Jesus out into the desert, and he remained in the desert for forty days, tempted by Satan. He was among wild beasts, and the angels ministered to him.

After John had been arrested, Jesus came to Galilee proclaiming the gospel of God: "This is the time of fulfillment. The kingdom of God is at hand. Repent, and believe in the gospel."

At my Baptism I was called not only into relationship with Christ, but also into a relationship with others. I am called to love and make sacrifices, to live up to my Baptism and Confirmation, and to share the love of God with others.

I have experienced a lot of suffering: physical, emotional, spiritual and have found myself in the desert of life often. To name a few: having multiple surgeries and continuing to have constant chronic pain that makes it hard to understand what my future holds; manipulation and rejection by friends that have lead me to struggle with finding peace in relationships and friendships; disrespect shown to me and the faith in my profession which creates an atmosphere of mistrust and impatience; feeling confused about what my vocation truly is and how to live in my current vocation of the single life (and being afraid that it may be what I am actually called to).

When I am at my weakest moments I can tell that the temptations increase, the self-doubt and self pity increase, the hurtful words ever said to me come back in my memory. It seems like it would be so easy to give in to them and just give up finding joy.

But, this is why I have grown to love the season of Lent and why I’ve become ever SO grateful for the faith of my parents and the love of God. Since I was a child I have lived Lent every year. I’ve had to practice the life of sacrifice. I’ve had to live into the reality that true love and acceptance is not due to what I can do for others but in just being, and that we grow more complete when we allow our family, friends, and our God to love us especially during those moments of suffering. I’ve had to live in the desert of pain, and I know that living it with joy and hope helps to make it through the journey and is redemptive for myself and others. 

I am blessed with family and friends that have great and immense amounts of love for me. In my stubbornness and insecurity I let myself live in the desert longer than I need. I find myself being afraid that I will be abandoned and unwanted so I allow that temptation to control my strength to lean on others. That is why Lent is still so important in my life, and probably will always be...I have to remember that God is bigger than my temptations. I can suffer, and I can suffer easier and more joyfully if I let others love me and sacrifice for me.

I’ve had to learn how to “not show others that I am making sacrifices.” This was really only done when I had joy during those times of sacrifice. It isn't about not telling people, but in seeing how the sacrifices are life-giving instead of focusing only on what I don't have. It helped me to see the beauty of sacrifice and how that helps me to love more completely. AND THAT has helped me to find joy in the suffering.

My family, from the many sacrifices I’ve learned my parents made/make, to the sufferings of my siblings and nieces and nephews and how they are able to find hope and joy amidst the pain, and the amazing support of family and friends as I walk through life has helped me to grow into the person that sees God’s love, sacrifice, and support so much more clearly!

It is why my favorite Bible verse is 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18:

Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing. In all circumstances give thanks, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus

Lent helps me to offer myself back to God and to trust He is going to allow me to offer myself to him but will also offer me a way through any darkness, fog, confusion, temptation that will be presented to me. And, the practices and life of Lent will continue to give me strength and courage to offer myself to God and to allow Him to show me how I am called to draw on His love and the love and support of my family and friends.

I pray that Lent is a time of growth and renewal for you!